God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Why are you accepting to fight with someone you cannot and will not change? If the person in front of you is overbearing, manipulative and outrageously hurtful, just walk away with your dignity intact. Let them make a spectacle of themselves and rest in the comforting thought that you are the bigger person and secure in your sense of self.
Most difficult people will equate your resisting them as a form of attack - it is your job to diffuse the situation before venom starts spewing your way. In other words, you need to stay in touch with your feelings and control your reaction to difficult people. Quite frankly, some are simply making arrogant and outrageous statements in the hope to upset and destabilize you emotionally. As long as you understand that process and know that this is not about you, but them, you will not feel nor be undermined.
2. Use humor to diffuse escalating conflicts:
Every office has a character who steals ideas, tends to volunteer for everything and interrupts quite a lot. Whatever they do, they always do it better. Sometimes, these folks can be quite smart and manipulative as attention seekers. To add salt to the injury, I have also noticed that these folks also tend to be younger! If they have the energy to volunteer for everything, let them have it, I personally have too much work to put additional tasks on my plate, they can go ahead and run yet another committee!
Know your job description. Are you doing your job? Do you go above and beyond without being a show-off? If yes, then relax, these folks tend to quickly burn bridges and eventually their ambition will lead them somwhere else. Do your job, do it well and you'll be ok.
That said, if you are a so-so worker, learn to sharpen your saw and develop the necessary skills that will lead you to shine just as much. Resentment and jealousy will lead you nowhere as they get the promotion you had coveted. No matter what, always take things with humor...It's not personal, it's just the way they are and chances are they were that way at their previous job and will remain that way on their next job too, so you might as well have some fun! Turn yourself into some kind of lab researcher and marvel at their dysfunction. It makes for great entertainment at the office, or the family reunion! Whenever someone makes an attack, I simply reply with a note of half humility - half humor with a big smile: "Well, you know, I am still learning" and I move on. What answer could they possibly give you after that?
I once led a meeting, prepared with an agenda and a simple grid printed on the top. It was entittled: Interruption Connect-Four. Once every member sat down, I declared that I would keep track of those who would interrupt someone else during the meeting and whoever would reach "four", would have to bring doughnuts and coffee to the next three meetings. Some may think it was rude and unprofessional on my part, and perhaps poor leadership. It actually was received quite well since everyone in the group knew exactly who I was referring to, without directly naming our "identified patient"...We laughed it out, went on with our meeting, and guess what? No interruptions - No one wanted to be singled out, even our attention seeker! It was quite a productive meeting too! I brought the doughnuts to the next meeting.
3. Don't turn them down - influence:
Control freaks and attention seekers have difficulties with being turned or shut down. Your dismissive attitude towards them is never interpreted as a lesson they need to learn, if anything, it will give them more fuel to their fire. Instead of tit-for- tat attacks and continued stabbing, name calling or shaming, try to influence them.
There is an inteviewing technique used by salesmen and forensic evaluators called the Rule of Three Agreements, it is also known as the Rule of Consistency. The process is quite simple: We human, have a need to remain consistent in attitude and behavior. Whatever preceded us, we repeat, which would also explain cycles of domestic violence, addiction and control. Think about it this way: the gambler goes to the slot machine and puts in quarter after quarter, eventually he wins, small or big, he wins. That is a guarantee he will continue wasting quarters. After losing his wins plus some, he wins again! Even losses lead to happy endings, more quarters are wasted and on it goes. We make conclusions based on history. Those who jump to conclusion simply draw from the past. If your difficult person has won a few battles with you in the past, their expectation is that this "winning" pattern will go on.
With regards to the Three Agreements, our brain needs consistency, and when faced with difficult situations it requires an answer that is congruent with previous similar situations. Check this out:
When responding to the difficult person in front of you, derail them by responding in the form of a question he or she would have to answer with a categorical YES. Do this three times. After three YES, something amazing happens to their brain: compliance and consistency. Because the brain needs to remain consistent and congruent with what was just processed, they will be more likely to continue to be ameanable to your point of view and continue to say YES. Here is an example using this technique with the nasty lady at the supermarket line:
"It looks to me that you are in a hurry, am I correct?"
"yes"
"It is always a problem when things get delayed, don't you agree?"
"Yes"
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could always just breeze through these lines?"
"Yes!"
Pause...Now ask the person to be patient, or calm down or whatever it is you need and watch what happens!
If you want to read more about Influence and Persuasion, here is a good read:
Sales people do this all the time, they get you to agree to a little yes first, then gradually build up to bigger ones, and that is how you end up with the latest model when you had just walked in for a used car! Why? Because as car buyers we walk into the dealer's with a difficult attitude, we expect to be duped so we put up all sorts of defenses and want to act tough and savvy! Three yes later, we drive out of the lot with an additional $6000 worth of bells and whistles we did not even know existed in the first place!
If car dealers can do it, everyday for a living, we can deal with our own sets of difficult people just as well!
4. Let them have "some" cake:
Give in, just a little. You do not have to lose everything, neither do they. So find something you can agree on and watch their defenses go down. How about you seek advice from them once in a while? Find something to ask them about, take the advice to satisfy their need to control and don't forget the feedbak. This works great with perfectionists who need to do everything right and be right too! You may not have to let them take over the entire project but allow a few tidbits here and there and make sure to give credit where credit is due.
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Here are a few points to remember:
- No one can undermine you but you,
- You were not put on earth to comform to someone else's standards,
- Know who you are, if you don't, go find your authentic self,
- It is okay to severe ties with a toxic individual - if you are not happy, seek happiness,
- Stay calm, but don't be a pushover. If someone is just plain rude, camly set limits,
- Always maintain good boundaries to ward off energy drainers,
- You are responsible for your own destiny, if your job is a hostile environment, seek another job; If your family expresses its disapointment because of your choices, accept how and why they may feel that way but explore your own self definition. If you are unsure, change. If you are happy and content, continue to be. They will have to learn to accept you the way you are, it's not your job to teach them how to appreciate you.
- Take care of yourself, learn to cope with stress and adversity, it will go along way when dealing with difficult people.
- Some people are takers, others are givers. If you are a giver, don't complain others are taking. If you give in the hope to obtain something back, you are simply not giving.
I hope this helped.
Here are other good reads:
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Sophia, NJ.
* This post contains affiliates from Amazon. All opinions are my own.